THE MIND PROBE - DELVING INTO THE CREVICES OF DOCTOR WHO

Have you ever wondered why all the spaceships in the future have doors made of wood? Are you irate about the lack of alien invasions of Birmingham? Has the thought ever occurred to you that the Master's plans are so ludicrously intricate it's a wonder he has time to bathe?

Well I have.

And I'm going to write about it.

(WILL PROBABLY CONTAIN SPOILERS)

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Oh. Dear God.

Now that I own a Nintendo Wii, I have of course used the Mii function to generate Avatars for all eleven Doctors. And some of my friends. But all the Doctors first. Y'know. Priorities.

Sylvester McCoy, I feel I ought to warn you, is very difficult. Possibly this is exacerbated by the fact that you only get two styles of hat, and both of them are Beanies. If you dress up Sylvester McCoy's Doctor in a Beanie hat he looks like someone who lives with their Mum and has a pillow made of tin foil 'just in case'.

The problem is that, for those who have never seen a Mii Avatar on a Wii before, you do not get to pick clothes for them, merely the colour of jumper they will generally wear. This is possibly for the best. Anyone who has even a mild OCD may be found, bleeding from the eyes, curled up in front of the television with a half-finished Sixth Doctor jacket floating on the screen.

So, to represent your Doctor, you get to pick one colour (from eight) and their face.

Obviously, this is easier with some than with others. Peter Davison was, frankly, completed within a minute. McGann, McCoy, and Eccleston are not right. In Eccleston's case it is because a Mii Avatar has no ears, thus ridding him of his main distinguishing feature, and in McGann's case it is because the right choice of hair makes him look like a girl, no matter what you do with the rest of his face. McCoy, simply, should not have a static face. It doesn't work. It just looks like he's had a stroke.

Matt Smith is a problem because NO-ONE ELSE has that haircut. Also the only way to get the forehead right is to shrink the rest of his face down to the bottom, near his chin, but this has the effect of making the rest of his face look like it completely distrusts his hair. Maybe this is realistic, but until Matt Smith brings a Motion Plus add-on round and explains the nuances of his look to me over a friendly game of Table Tennis, we just won't know.

Tom Baker is okay, it does look quite like him, but it doesn't capture the boggle-eyed insanity of the man in his prime. Troughton looks roughly right, but the wrinkles feature (yes, there is one) only lets you have one type of wrinkle or every type of wrinkle. It is most unhelpful.

I am fond of the Hartnell one, if only because it looks like he's as happy as he is in The Web Planet (you know, the scene where you think the vapour is really getting to him).

But the Colin Baker one is the best. By a mile. Not only does it look quite like him if you squint, but it is freakin' amazing at basketball. It's infinitely better than the David Tennant one, which is a lanky streak of nothing and cannot throw.

Colin Baker has scored more three-pointers than any other player, has excellent balance, and presents an immovable objects in defence.

Now, theoretically I could include The Valeyard in this, but Ol' Sixie is a completely different build. It occurred to me that the only real choice I have if I want to have the best possible basketball team is this:

I need to make a Seventies Porn Colin.

'What is a Seventies Porn Colin?' I hear you say. Well, this is:
'I find 70’s Porn Colin very funny. What is there to be ashamed of? The “70’s Porn” label has been applied recently to the picture. It wasn’t actually from anything like that, you know?'

Oh yes. There are some things you cannot unsee. But look at those arms. He'd make an excellent basketball player. Plus I can use the same template and put a porn star tache on, and I'm basically done.

Anyway...

Are we all looking forward to Matt Smith getting his bum out on Saturday?
But that's all for now. I'm not going to post topless pictures of all the Doctors for you. Use Google like everyone else.

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